I’m tangled up in my own image
But I hate who’s staring back at me
If it’s the truth I seek
It’s the truth you’ll serve
If my soul is weak
Then I’ll make it up to you
You’re the only thing that gets me high
And I hate it and I hate it
You’re the only thing that gets me high
And I hate it and I hate it
ihateit by Underoath
Anxiety is a powerful drug. Once it starts, you hate the idea of it, but it makes you feel safe. You cozy into it. Thinking of living your life out with all the freedom of a toddler is scary. What if you fail? Or worse, what if you succeed? What if the next step is even harder and when you fail at that you fall even further than before? There never seems to be the thought of true success. They type of success that comes with failure and a rebuild.
I’ll show you my hurt. I’ll show you how painful it is to be trapped. To have a body yearning for release. Aching to truly feel again. So let’s talk it through. Head to toe.
My head feels numb, like someone removed all ability to dive deeper. Each time I try it pushes back. Harder. It squeezes my brain, pushing walls deeper into my conscious. The muscles in my neck release. The tightness reaches it’s devastating hand into my chest, gripping my chest and consuming my throat. I can feel the tears behind my eyes, burning, scratching for the exit.
My arms pulse. The blood pumps through these veins as it prepares them for the final fight. The one that could destroy all. But my brain suppresses their desire. My brain shuts them down, almost rendering them useless.
These pieces of my life stay constant. They provide security in know what comes next. And they allow me to remain a victim. To say, “This isn’t my fault. I can’t control this.” If I had control, it would be scary. I would be responsible for my actions. For my hurt. What a terrifying prospect.
But I am responsible. This is my hurt. These are my reactions. These are the stories I tell. Yes, I have been emotionally and verbally abused. No, I was not loved growing up. Yes, I am allowed to love myself. I am allowed to live.
I react quickly. I see or hear and then I respond. But what story did I tell before I responded? Was I a victim to my emotions or did I choose an action after considering my emotion? Emotions happen no matter what. But when someone makes a choice that you feel impacted you negatively, did they make you mad? Or did you choose to feel mad? For me, it is usually true that I am hurt because they don’t love me, sad because I’m unlovable, and shy because I am out there for people to see. But these are stories I’ve made up.
“They did something that wasn’t best for me, so they don’t love me.” How many people think that? For me growing up, that had some truth to it. People try their best with what they know. And for some people, they really don’t know how to love. That was my family. All of them. Parents and sisters. They didn’t love me. They didn’t know how. But their actions weren’t because they didn’t love me. Their actions were because they were also hurting and just didn’t know how to respond to their own issues.
“I make mistakes, therefore I am unlovable.” What a sad statement. It breaks my heart to know so many people in the world struggle to love themselves. I am one of them. Everyone is worthy of love. Just because humans don’t all know how to love or even show us the love we desire doesn’t mean we don’t deserve love. And that love can come straight from our own heart.
“Holy shit, they see me. Fuck, I can’t be seen. I’m not good enough. I have issues. I need to hide.” Right? These are real feelings. These are terrifying feelings. These feelings make you question your worth. But you don’t need to hide. I don’t need to hide. Most of the time, as it turns out, people don’t have any idea you are there. I get it. The world is scary sometimes. But the world is also filled with people making mistakes. Humans being, well, human… You know what makes it better? Love.
So here we are. Anxiety filled, fallible, lovable humans. For myself, I am heading out to be a more caring, loving human. I will listen. I will be quiet. I will love. Thank you World for cuddling me into the warmth of your grass, shading me with the shadow of your trees, and filling my lungs each day. And thank you God for surrounding me with millions just like me, who I get to share this incredible adventure with, loving each minute of it.
The Therapy Sessions 